home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Amnesia 9
/
Amnesia - Issue 09 (1993-02-01)(Eclipse)(Disk 2 of 2).adf
/
ARTICLES
/
50 ways to kill a lemming
< prev
next >
Wrap
Text File
|
1993-01-31
|
12KB
|
168 lines
. Sellotape it to a nuclear reactor
and watch it slowly develop cancer
and leukaemia.
. Get a Black & Decker alligator saw
and watch the blood splatter all
over the nice Laura Ashley
wallpaper.
. Force it to listen to "The
Carpenters" for 3 days,then insert
a blunt hypodermic needle into its
ear and slowly suck out its
DFifty ways to kill a lemming!!N brains.
. Encase it in clear plastic and
. Put it's head in a blender. keep it on the mantelpiece to
cherish the expression of extreme
. Put it into the milkshake machine suffering for all eternity.
at McDonald's.
. Stuff its head into a 5.25 inch
. Pour petrol over its hair and drive and run diskdoctor.
watch it knock things over as it
slowly burns to death. . Feed it L.S.D. and let it free on
a busy highway. . Dismember it's worthless body on
. Get a steam iron, place a trans- the altar of sacrifice where the
parent box over it, then slowly blood reigns.
heat up the iron, watching it
scream in agony as the plactic . Lacerate its flesh with animal-
melts, and suffocates its charred istic fury.
form.
. Rend it's form in pure carnal
. Make an Eric Schwartz snuff instinct.
cartoon in which it is brutally
raped and then killed. . Persecution, death, eye of the
storm, leave it ripped and torn.
. Force it into a video recorder (Groan! - Maybe you should leave the
and press fast forward. Slayer albums outta your stereo
when you're writing humourous
. Bring it to a Deicide concert and articles Arc....trust me on this...)
give it to the band afterwards as
an offering for Almighty Satan. . Eat its succulent flesh with some
lima beans.
. Post it to Somalia in an airtight
container. . Form a coalition government with
the Progressive Lemmings,and then
. Make it into a lemming fur egg get it to call them liars at the
cosy. cheese tribunal.
. Fill the emptiness in yourself Shit, Arc!You've gone insane (again),
with the souls of your lemmings, here, see if this muzzle fits around
and experience ultimate power. your head...ooh it does! Now wear
this jacket and jump out that window.
. Take it to the edge of madness
where the blood lusting demons of Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!
the great abyss shall tear its -SLAT-
tiny mind apart.
OK,Arc has gone, so I guess its up to
. Perform surgery with no Polaris to finish this article...lets
anaesthaesia, pressure on your see...Oh yes:
skull,pushing through your eyes..
. Tatoo a pentagram into its back
. Nonchalistic terror, a mass and post it to the Catholic
sadistic feast, the only way to Church. (Note: This is not 100%
exit is going piece by piece..... effective,add the words "The Life
blood blood blood blood blood of Brian" on it and it will
blood blood blood blood blood almost surely be burned at the
blood blood blood blood blood stake!)
blood blood blood blood blood
blood blood blood blood blood . Put it in a microwave, watch it
blood blood blood.............. for a few minutes as it looks out
bllllooooooooddddddd............. helplessly,then multiply the
square root of 45.65 by 100. The
sum of this equasion is equal to then shout "Look, it's Salman
the amount of minutes you set the Rushdie in disguise!"
microwave oven for...
. Give one to a Submission IRL
. Let it free in a Chinese member and say "Did you know that
Restaurant with a sticker saying lemmings have NO sexually
"I'm a roast peking duck" on it's transmitted diseases????", then
head. within 2 days the poor little
creature will have been shagged
. Tie it up and place it under the to death...slow but reliable.
tyre of a large articulated
lorry. (Note: Cut off it's tongue . Drop the lemming in some brown
first so it can't untie the rope) paint and send it off to Geoffrey
Dahmer's cell, to be completely
. Give a lemming and a scissors to effective though you've gotta
a jew and tell him that there's leave a note saying: "HI Big Boy,
money inside the little bastard my name's Trixie, and I'm a
somewher.e........(Warning! - The homosexual!",won't be long before
creature could end up circumcised your lemming is eaten...
as well, so it would be advisable (Note: I would advise you to
to choose a Rabbi with bad eye- include a good pair on handcuffs
sight.) as Geoff's ones are a bit shite!)
. Go to Iran and release a lemming, . Give it to Nasa, tell 'em it's a
new economic type of rocket fuel. it a razorblade and let it do the
natural thing for lemmings!
. Send it to Pazza/LSD and say
"This was the bastard that told . Selotape it to a GVP hard drive
FAST about you!"....I shudder to and leave the drive on for a
even think of what the poor couple of hours, soon the drive
creature would go through then.. will be melted and the lemming
Probably be turned into Poppy will be encased in a horrible
food.... white coloured layer of thick
plastic.
. Wrap rolls upon rolls of selotape
around the little bastard and . Christ it gets harder to kill
play football with Vinny Jones or things after a while...lets see..
Gazza,then unwrap the selotape et Aha! Force its mouth open with
viola,some nice lemming-jam...... tweezers and pour some liquified
Or confiture de squashedlemming.. tip-ex down its throat!
. Put your super megabass Sony Hi . String 'em up! It's the only
Fi on fast forward, then slowly language they understand....
insert the tape winder into the
lemming's eye....ugh! . (Hastily looks around his room to
find potential death traps and
. Play " Mandatory Suicide " by aids to first degree murder of
Slayer to it 100 times, then give little fluffy,cute creatures...
...grrrrr!) the lemming, then do a rendition
Tie it to a light-bulb with of the native american rain dance
thread,place a vat of highly on the slab....
concentrated sulphuric (or hydro-
chloric!) acid underneath and see . Dump one in petrol for 10
if your money really is going minutes, then let it free on
through the roof on energy costs. bonfire night, no sense keeping
(Hint: Weaken the thread first all the pleasure for yourself,
with a small scissors, or use a just imagine the fun to be had
50,000 watt bulb...) by all bored bonfire watchers....
. Let it free in Japan with a fish . Pour a few tubes of super glue on
costume on, see those healthy the lemming, then watch in
Asian teeth chomp into something pleasure as it solidifies and
crunchy! (Apologies for all dies of starvation.....unless you
racist jokes, I'm not a racist force feed it some nice household
idiot, but I'm running outta detergent that is!
material!)
. Enlist it in the territorial army
. Get a cross and some thumb tacks in Northern Ireland....Or give it
.....well,you've heard this one a job driving taxis!
too many times already I suppose.
. Practice your axe throwing at
. Place a heavy slab of concrete on lemmings trick,provide fun at all
parties and improve coordination! =====================================
(Note: If co-ordination is bad Remember, at dial-a-death we will not
then the axe-wielder should stand only provide you serial killers with
no more than 12 inches from the an imaginative murder idea, but for
tied,gagged,helpless lemming!) all special subscribers we will also
provide a motive and a special
. Give it a job editting Amnesia!!! limited edition machete, as used in
Watch the poor creature die of the Friday The 13th movies. Remember
stress ( Warning: This method is Dial-a-Death also caters for all
totally cruel, please only use it dictators,no central American country
if ALL other methods have failed) is too small,or too um...small for :
Heh Heh Heh,well I hope you like this Dial-A-Death
little article by Arc and myself, Call now on:
(POLARIS),shit I've had fun anyways!! 3-666-DEAD
The following advertisement has been All major + stolen credit cards will
broadcast in Amnesia by: be gladly accepted.
Article By:Arc + Polaris * A member of the "Hi I'm Mandy,watch
Clipart By:Arc/Eclipse me masturbate with my girlfriends"
telephone service.
=====================================